Christianna Is… A Marathoner.

You never forget your first.

First date… Valentines day, Starbucks frappuccinos, and lots of balloons. It felt like the perfect movie scene of my 16 year old dreams.

First job… Bob’s Big Boy, hostess, it sucked.

First heartbreak… Lots of chocolate was involved and I watched About Time on repeat. Well, I still watch it on repeat.

First legal drink… San Francisco at Midnight. I believe I shamed myself by having a Shock Top on tap. Fortunately my tastes for beer have become more refined.

First Marathon. It was March 19, 2017 and the forecast was sunny with a high of 70 degrees. This is the race recap I’ve been meaning to write for two years now.

March 18, 2017
The traditional laying out your gear to post on Instagram shot.

Looking back now, sometimes it’s hard to believe that person was me. If you’ve read since the beginning, you’d know it took a lot of effort and time (Christianna is… Exhausted). Lots of Saturdays and weeknights went into being able to do this thing. It was a big commitment and undertaking. Something in fact, I did not do alone.

February 2017
Huddle Before 22 Mile Training Run

Learning to become independent and taking solace in the freedom of running on my own was what I needed in 2016. At first, I really did need those solitary runs, but to conquer something so massive? I needed the support from others around me. The next step to my changing process was to let people be apart of my life. Yes, I could of figured out how to run a marathon on my own, but with a group of friends, it became that much more worth it! With a side of enjoyable included. It becomes easy to tolerate the pain with good people making jokes along the way.

So, the LA Marathon was just like training; support and company all the way through.

You’d think that with a 26 mile course, 25,000 runners, and god knows how many spectators, it would be easy to be lost in the crowd. How lonely that would of been if that were the case. The thing that made this thing so incredible was how many people I ran into along the way.

March 19, 2017
We’re still smiling so this must be before mile 20

For the most part, I was able to stick with two good badass lady friends who carried me through from the beginning at Dodger Stadium to Rodeo Drive. The long sunny stretch of Century City had the heat bearing down on me. I slowed massively here, ready to burn out with the sun. If it weren’t for being spotted by a spectator friend who ran with me for a couple miles to mile 22, I’d still be out there crawling down Santa Monica Blvd. Okay, maybe two years later that might be a bit of an exaggerating, but she did help me find my pace again.

On this particular race, once you get past mile 22 it feels all down hill. Working your way through Brentwood, you’re met with more and more ocean air as you inch closer and closer to Santa Monica. San Vincente Boulevard is also lined with beautiful trees and shade, it was life giving. Lol, I’m talking about feeling alive during a marathon so I must be insane now.

However, by the time I turned the corner onto Ocean Avenue to head towards the Finish line, I was so done and aware of how much pain I was in.

March 19, 2017
The face you make when you just want to die but the finish line is there and you try to muster a smile for the camera

Just like that, five and a half hours of friends, runners, sweat and chaffing was over with. It did feel really good.

March 19, 2017
Santa Monica Pier and Disbelief

Of course what I haven’t had time to touch on, was the bit of post race depression that fell on me. It turns out after months of training was the fun part and it all ending was the sad part. But more on this later. For now, the agenda was celebrations. How did I celebrate this feat? Well, with my first beer in months of course!

Ice Cold Beer Cures Post Run Stiffness – True Story

Like I said, I’ve been meaning to do this for awhile now. “Why now?” You might ask. Well, I’m struggling to get committed again and now is the time to make these things happen. The Chicago Marathon will be here before I know it, and I need to find this Christianna again before I lose track of time. It’s definitely going to be very hard. I’ll struggle to get out of bed. There will be a lot of icing of the knees. I will have to give up beer and Friday late night’s out. But who knows, maybe it will be full of surprises. Maybe I’ll meet knew runner friends. Maybe I’ll find motivation to finish all the things for myself I want.

So, If you’re in the market for a long run buddy, consider this my post for hire.

Christianna Is… Back At With The Lists

Priorities today: complete my Saturday long run; clean the apartment; buy coffee; write. Why say this? Today is my birthday, and this is 27 at it’s finest. I’m getting old and boring.

The last time my birthday was on a Saturday I was 21. The weekend was wild! My first trip to San Francisco, going out in Castro, and getting my wallet and ID stolen at the club. Memorable. This did however kick off my love for birthday traveling. I do also remember taking note of when my birthday would land on a weekend again to plan something big. Yet, here I am, barely with plans and enjoying the comfort of my routine. My next Saturday birthday doesn’t come around again till I’m 32, can you imagine how much more boring I’m going to get in the next 5 years?

I have been reflecting this birthday on wanting to be the Christianna again who made a bucket list and got to doing great and challenging things. In 2016 I put that poster up in my room and thus started the Christianna who needed anchor charts to keep her motivated and looking forward. I know I did big brave things last year, but I haven’t felt as strong or confident as I did in 2016. I feel like I did half the change I needed to and gave up when the last half got tough. Which means, I have lots of unfinished business to do.

Getting older now is just one big reminder of how time is just quickly getting away from you. I don’t want to waste a single second of 27. So how do I motivate myself to complete something 2016 Christianna couldn’t? Well, you put up a anchor chart on your birthday and get to work the same day.

So here it is at it’s finest and awkwardness. 27 things I really want to accomplish while I’m 27. It’s messy. It hangs purposely next to my bed to get me up every morning. It’s mostly to serve as a reminder that Christianna wanted change for herself. Will I finish everything this time on this list? I don’t know, but you’ll have to keep following along to find out.

To be continued…

Christianna is… Independent.

…or at least I’ll keep telling myself I am until I whole-heartedly believe it.

Valentines Day, 2016 – When I woke up that Sunday to face the many couples and families dressed in cheesy themed pink, I told myself I was stronger than I knew. This day, I was even going to prove it by pushing myself even further than a month previously at the New Years Eve race that had sparked it all (See Christianna is… A Runner). One foot in front of the other. Faster. Further. Be brave. Be strong. NYE, I finished in tears. This second 5K into this new quest, I finished empowered by myself.

October 14, 2015 v. February 5, 2016
204 lbs v. 173 lbs.

The difference between January and February in terms of who I quickly changed into was enormous. The end of 2015 was bumpy. I was going through hard times and I accidentally learned to strength train because I had one odd college credit I needed to account for in order to graduate. Thank God life happens that way, because it gave me something to keep myself and my mind busy with through heartbreak and winter break. When you think about life changing decisions in my life, just the simple act of signing up for this class changed the trajectory of my life. However, after using the gym to hide over the winter, I found passion when I quietly walked out of the house, telling no one where I was going, to run a 5K downtown in the middle of the night. After getting my ass handed to me, by walking the whole thing, I quickly got to work. I ran everyday. I ran before class. I ran at home in the Valley. I ran on campus in the West Side. I ran after work in studio city. If I got busy with school, I went to the gym at midnight and ran after my homework was finished. I ran like crazy.

This wasn’t the only change and the reason for dropping 20 pounds so quickly. So please don’t be fooled. I also changed other habits as new ones replaced them. I stopped drinking completely. I dedicated my life to Whole 30 and I learned a lot about nutrition and diet. Okay, also when you’re so severely overweight, because ya gurl was definitely obese, the first bit of weight drops really quickly and then slows to a crippling halt.

Why do I mention this? Context. I was changing. My body was changing. I was still overweight, and just the act of running was taking a lot out of me, but at least good things.

Now, yes I’m talking about events that happened three years ago. Flash forward to the present!

I honestly wanted to have those feelings of 2016 back. So, I laced up my shoes again and told no one where I was going again.

Other than it was so much fun sneaking out of the house on Sunday mornings to run a 5k and be back inside the house again before people were up. I enjoyed going out to these events on my own. After being with someone for years and doing everything with them, I think I needed to be independent. I had to go it alone, because I also had to learn how to be on my own. At first, yes it kinda sucked, but can I tell you how awesome it felt when my mindset started to change. Lets be also even more real, if I was still in a relationship at this time, HELL NO would I have put myself out there like this. Another life changing moment.

Ok, but it does suck to be alone. I feel that. I feel it really hard. My take away from all these resurfacing feelings of loneliness is that I really need to remind myself how much I do enjoy the company of myself. When I’m focussed, not distracted, I accomplish a lot. Like 5k’s that then became 50k, just saying. I lost that spark however, and it’s time to find it again. My momentum fizzled out, it’s time to add more kindling.

So here I am, back to square one. After marathons and 50lb losses, I’m right back at overweight and a slow sluggish pace. This Christianna, however, quit her job last year. Moved herself alone across the country traveling by way of car. Again alone. Where I am now in Tulsa, doing new and exciting things. No, I’m not completely alone, I know and have great people in my life. BUT independence, I’ve got that down now.

So I’m fucking back, and I’m going to finish what I started this time.

Christianna is… Exhausted

In 490 B.C., legend has it that a messenger, this dude named Pheidippides, was tasked with the important duty of giving the word of ancient Greek’s victory over the Persians. Filled with excitement and adrenaline perhaps, this messenger ran from Marathon to Athens, delivered the message, collapsed and died… This was the inspiration at the first modern Olympics of 1896. They decided to have an epic long distance run, took the distance from this legend and called it the Marathon! (Cue the angels singing “ahhhhh” in an angelic voice.) I’ve actually gotten a couple different mileage from different sources, it wasn’t quite 26.2 miles in the beginning, but after a few years of inspired marathon races beginning to sweep the world, the 26.2 miles eventually became the official standard.

So, to summarize! We took an inspired distance where the dude died. He f’ing collapsed in exhaustion and took no more breaths of life. Then someone felt inspired to make this a thing. This thing caught on in popularity so much since then that today in 2017, on March 19th, 25,000 crazy people (including myself) will take part in the Los Angeles Marathon, inspired by Mr. Pheidippides’ death.

Why would anyone want to put themselves through all of that pain, exhaustion, and torture? I’ve thought this many times during my long training runs as I’ve fought Negative Christianna from convincing me to stop and give up.

“Stop talking, let’s put it into context!” pipes in Positive Christianna. (Seriously I do have days where I just want to punch this Christianna in the face and go Netflix and pizza binge with my Negative friend.) But, I’ll listen to any glimmer of hope my Positive side can offer, even if it’s just delirium from the exhaustion at 17 miles of a 22-mile day setting in.

So! Context, here we go!

How old was Pheidippides? Did he run often? Did he run long distances often? How was his health? What was his diet? Did he have water with him? Maybe, but did he have electrolytes with him? Did he have food fuel with him? What was the weather like? What time of day was it? Was it a scorching hot sun the whole way? Maybe there was so much excitement in the last couple days that he hadn’t slept in the last 24-48 hours?

I’ve realized a couple things throughout the last 16 long weeks of training and having ran almost 400 miles in the past 4 months.

You can’t just decide to run a marathon and overnight transform into a marathoner just because you decided to do so.

I can attest to the fact that all of this takes a lot of work, time, energy and even money. Maybe even more so for those of us working on our first marathon. Maybe even more so so for those of us who are overweight and new to the athletic game. I could be wrong, but I think that makes us more exciting than those who have bodies built for running and incredible speed. It comes more natural to these people. Don’t get me wrong, these people are a complete inspiration for me. I strive to be you, so dude, don’t get offended. But we overweight runners carry more. We carry the actual weight of our bodies and we carry the emotional weight of our struggles and failures. Despite all this, we chose to keep our legs running.

The struggle has been real. At the beginning of training I reassured myself that it would be okay if I ended up walking more times than running, it’s my first one and at least that’s a start. That was back when I was struggling to finish an 8-mile run and the holidays eating had ate away at my spirit. After putting so much focused intensity over time, even on making sure I did all the small 3 mile runs on weekdays, has given me amazing momentum.

After long battles over mind and body, I’m feeling so much stronger. I finished an amazing 22 miles with an amazing group of runners, and even though I may be far slower and stronger than these people, I felt equal. So many years of self-doubt and telling myself I was lesser than, except for this brief moment after 25 long years that I actually felt on par for a second.

No one said it would be easy, but damn it’s been hard.

The exhaustion I’ve felt these last couple weeks has been real. I’ve been so severely tired. Falling asleep on my girlfriend while we Facetime at 9 pm (she’s the one 4 hours ahead and with the excuse to fall asleep yet I’m the one actually doing it), deep dark circles under my eyes, and barely making it up at 8 am to roll into work 30 minutes late past 9.

I’d feel bad for my poor grumpy behavior but then I remind myself, “Yo Christianna, you ran 22 miles last weekend, like give yourself a break yo.”

Sometimes the aches and pains bring about thoughts and feelings that I’m weak and not meant for all this.

A year ago 3 miles was my longest distance. A year later and it’s now 22 miles. I’m slow and I have a long way to go this next year, but I still finished 22 miles. LET THAT SINK IN NEGATIVE NANCY CHRISTIANNA.

My life has been consumed by running, it’s taken away all my free time after work and it’s taking me towards new adventures and opportunities.

I’ll close with this:

Starting to run is not easy. It takes a lot of time and dedication to stay consistent. When you put in the work, though, it’s full of moments that fill you with so much joy.

That time I ran my first mile. =) That time I ran my fastest 5k. : ) That time I finished a half marathon 30 minutes faster than I expected to. : ) The moment I finished 22 miles with a great group of runners waiting at the end. =) That time I’ll cross the finish line in Santa Monica with my hands up, my energy drained but my spirit full and not dropping dead like Pheidippides did. : )

The takeaway from this post?

Fight that negative side of you and go soar in the positive. Make that version of you, your bf for life.

❤ In Loving Memery of Pheidippides ❤