…or at least I’ll keep telling myself I am until I whole-heartedly believe it.

Valentines Day, 2016 – When I woke up that Sunday to face the many couples and families dressed in cheesy themed pink, I told myself I was stronger than I knew. This day, I was even going to prove it by pushing myself even further than a month previously at the New Years Eve race that had sparked it all (See Christianna is… A Runner). One foot in front of the other. Faster. Further. Be brave. Be strong. NYE, I finished in tears. This second 5K into this new quest, I finished empowered by myself.

The difference between January and February in terms of who I quickly changed into was enormous. The end of 2015 was bumpy. I was going through hard times and I accidentally learned to strength train because I had one odd college credit I needed to account for in order to graduate. Thank God life happens that way, because it gave me something to keep myself and my mind busy with through heartbreak and winter break. When you think about life changing decisions in my life, just the simple act of signing up for this class changed the trajectory of my life. However, after using the gym to hide over the winter, I found passion when I quietly walked out of the house, telling no one where I was going, to run a 5K downtown in the middle of the night. After getting my ass handed to me, by walking the whole thing, I quickly got to work. I ran everyday. I ran before class. I ran at home in the Valley. I ran on campus in the West Side. I ran after work in studio city. If I got busy with school, I went to the gym at midnight and ran after my homework was finished. I ran like crazy.

This wasn’t the only change and the reason for dropping 20 pounds so quickly. So please don’t be fooled. I also changed other habits as new ones replaced them. I stopped drinking completely. I dedicated my life to Whole 30 and I learned a lot about nutrition and diet. Okay, also when you’re so severely overweight, because ya gurl was definitely obese, the first bit of weight drops really quickly and then slows to a crippling halt.

Why do I mention this? Context. I was changing. My body was changing. I was still overweight, and just the act of running was taking a lot out of me, but at least good things.

Now, yes I’m talking about events that happened three years ago. Flash forward to the present!

I honestly wanted to have those feelings of 2016 back. So, I laced up my shoes again and told no one where I was going again.

Other than it was so much fun sneaking out of the house on Sunday mornings to run a 5k and be back inside the house again before people were up. I enjoyed going out to these events on my own. After being with someone for years and doing everything with them, I think I needed to be independent. I had to go it alone, because I also had to learn how to be on my own. At first, yes it kinda sucked, but can I tell you how awesome it felt when my mindset started to change. Lets be also even more real, if I was still in a relationship at this time, HELL NO would I have put myself out there like this. Another life changing moment.

Ok, but it does suck to be alone. I feel that. I feel it really hard. My take away from all these resurfacing feelings of loneliness is that I really need to remind myself how much I do enjoy the company of myself. When I’m focussed, not distracted, I accomplish a lot. Like 5k’s that then became 50k, just saying. I lost that spark however, and it’s time to find it again. My momentum fizzled out, it’s time to add more kindling.

So here I am, back to square one. After marathons and 50lb losses, I’m right back at overweight and a slow sluggish pace. This Christianna, however, quit her job last year. Moved herself alone across the country traveling by way of car. Again alone. Where I am now in Tulsa, doing new and exciting things. No, I’m not completely alone, I know and have great people in my life. BUT independence, I’ve got that down now.

So I’m fucking back, and I’m going to finish what I started this time.